I recently read about a phenomenon called the "quarter-life crisis". Basically people in their late twenties and early thirties are suddenly overwhelmed with a sense of loneliness. The pressures of reality as an adult start to press in on them and people seek companionship by getting married or having children (or both). I did the kids and a wife thing pretty early in life so I think I skipped that bit, I am many things but I don't feel alone. I have stress and problems in my life that can at times seem overwhelming but I always know I'm not going through them alone.
I work a lucrative 9-to-5 at a large high tech company. I consider myself fortunate, I can pay my bills, I have money to save for a rainy day, my retirement, and kids' college. I have very little debt plus a mortgage with an interest rate lower than inflation. I run my budgets tight, with lots of money being funneled into savings accounts: I don't want to work a day longer than I need to. This means, even though I do well, I don't have much disposable income. We have a little, but we keep it to primarily essentials. I'm about 3 years into a 5 year plan to take care of some medium-term savings goals (no credit cards, foundation college savings for the kids), some unforeseen circumstances will probably push that out another year or so.
I live in a high cost of living area. To put it in perspective, national inflation rate in 2016 was about 1.7%, the Cost-of-Living index in my county went up by 3.1%, we're definitely above average here. My employer had their best year ever and I think I did a really good job as a tiny cog in a massive machine. I did my job, and I did it well. Well enough I was expecting a decent raise, 5% would have been good, but frankly I would not have been surprised if it was closer to 10%. At least enough that I could loosen up our budget a bit, take my wife out to dinner once a month, maybe add something frivolous (Hulu?) to our monthly expenditures.
This was particularly poignant considering my employer has started scaling back some of our benefits. They've ceased HSA contributions which were worth $750 to me in 2016 and our insurance premiums crept up 10% . This on the back of my wife and daughter both being diagnosed with chronic autoimmune diseases and my daughter and I both participating in immunotherapy for our chronic hay-fever, I was looking forward to a small influx of new cash.
I can't overemphasize, I busted my ass last year. I wasn't expecting something for nothing, I went above and beyond, and ended up receiving a raise that my boss insisted reflected the "corporate average". My raise was 2.4%. Keep in mind CoL in my area increased 3.1% and they've cut other benefits that were worth cold hard cash to me. As far as I'm concerned, I took a pay-cut. A sizable pay-cut that stings all the more considering my corporation's record breaking revenue year.
I'm not quite ready to leave, but I'm on the precipice. These past few years I've become disillusioned with the integrity of the company I work for. About five years ago I had a particularly hostile manager who went out of his way to insult, berate, and harass his subordinates. When we complained, HR simply shrugged and said "he's a dick, get over it." (Read: "He committed no crimes, so you can't sue.") I was pretty shaken by the experience, I'd made my job a part of my identity. It was a valuable lesson and pushed me to separate myself from my work. When I walk out of the office I forget what I do for a living, and don't think about it again until I get to work again tomorrow. I have to or I'd go crazy. I've considered going somewhere else, where I might be better appreciated and compensated. Next year I'll be eligible for an 8 week paid sabbatical, and I'll be damned if I walk away before I get to cash in on that, a little family-time is worth more than any pay raise.
This brings up another question, do I like what I'm doing? I mean, how did I end up writing software for a living? If I think back I sort of fell into it. After I graduated high school, I went to college. I'd always been pretty good with computers and so when I started school my stated major was going to be in Computer Engineering (a rather unique amalgam of Computer Science and Electrical Engineering my university offered at the time). This being a science degree I took a variety of science classes, I knew even then I couldn't spend forty hours a week staring at a computer screen. I thought maybe I'd become a manager of geeks or something, working in technology seemed like a sexy career path and I thought if I could use my technical prowess in conjunction with some soft skills I'd be on the path to success and career bliss. Realistically, I was taking the other science classes to see if anything else popped out at me. I was looking for some other career path to pique my interest.
My parents brought up four kids on a middle class income, so my college savings was embarrassingly small considering the mountain of cash it took just to attend public state schools in 2005 (yes, I know, it's 300% worse now). I begged for grants, scholarships, loans but came up completely empty handed. Being a middle class non-minority male meant getting laughed out of banks and my applications for other forms of financial aid went to the bottom of the pile. So naturally, the money ran out. Fast. After less than two terms, I was so stressed about where my next meal was coming from I couldn't do homework, stopped attending, failed my classes and finally dropped out. This was a very dark time in my life, one I don't care to revisit. So I called some people I knew in high tech, got a job paying a little more than minimum wage and tried to figure out my next steps.
At that point the plan was something along the lines of working for a few years, saving up money and trying to go back to school, but you know what they say about fate and plans. I fell in love with my wife and daughter, and the rest is, as they say, history. I threw myself into my career when I wasn't working I was studying my field, learning and improving to get better at what I do. I tinkered and experimented at home. I worked temporary contracts, got raises, laid off, denied job applications, (because of my non-minority status), but finally I did it! I landed a steady job in corporate America. Hooray. At this point I took a look around, looked at my salary and those of my peers and said, why go back to school? I could spend $100K on an education and it would increase my lifetime earnings by maybe 5%? It just didn't make financial sense, so I settled in, and tried to make the best of it.
My plan for life by the time I turned thirty was for one of two things to be true: I'd love what I do for a living. Or I'd be independently wealthy (hey, a guy can dream). I'm a realist, I didn't expect both to be true and if it was the latter then I could quit, and do something I actually love. The reality is neither of these is true. I thought I liked working on computers, but if I learned anything about myself after the experience with the sociopath manager it's I'm only doing it for a paycheck. I like being successful at what I do, and I'm successful at this, but I don't like it. I'm not improving the world in any way that I can say I'm proud of. Currently I make life easier for developers who are trying to improve the cell signal on your smartphone. Who gives a shit? I'm not making the world a better place, I'm not going to lay on my death bed and look back thinking "Wow, I'm so glad I helped developers make 5G internet a reality."
I look around at my peers and some of them have been stupendously successful. I know a few people who invested big in Bitcoin back in 2011, and are independently wealthy. My adult life experiences have made me severely risk averse, so I passed on that particular investment opportunity. (Hindsight bias has me regretting that choice right now.) If I had been able to complete college, what would I be doing for a living? I have two wonderful children and a mortgage to pay for, I can't afford to quit and go back to school. I looked into online/night classes at the local community college and was told in no uncertain terms by admissions, these were not offered at that school. A story I've heard contradicted numerous times since them. (Seriously, she couldn't understand why I wouldn't quit my 6-figure salary to attend community college full-time, it was in the top-five most bizarre conversations I've ever had).
I don't know what my next step will be, but I'm working on it. I'm sure something will come into focus as it always does. In the meantime my wife and I are running some side projects. She has a Lifestyle blog for natural DIY projects and things of that sort called "A Crunchy Lifestyle". Obviously Google AdSense is one place she's hoping to make a bit of money there (this blog as well!), but the Amazon links are a part of their Amazon Associates program, if you click a link and make a purchase, we get a commission.
I've created a Patreon for my fiction. I think I'll continue to post my fiction stories here but on a delay, preferring to leverage them for a bit of cash first. We'll see how it all works out. To help resolve our more immediate financial concerns I've also signed up to drive with Uber and Lyft and have been driving on the weekends. It's not great money but it's pretty easy to make $20/hour, so it'll help finally pay off a credit card I've been fighting with since my contract days.
Analyzing the nature of my existential conundrum, I'd say (tongue, firmly planted in cheek) it more closely matches the definition of a mid-life crisis than the quarter-life crisis I missed. Existential doubt and confusion, a need to change course to grant meaning to my life and an overwhelming desire to buy a muscle car... I'm just doing it about twenty years early! I suppose that's a good thing, by asking these questions early in life I have that much more time to enjoy any changes I decide to make.
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