Bad Japanese Food

For Valentines Day Felicia and I decided all four of us were going to go out and get some sushi.  Nothing fancy or expensive, just some hole in the wall Japanese food.  She found a place via Google Maps that looked promising, it was near to our house, inexpensive and the reviews were very promising.  We didn't want to do conveyer belt, we wanted the legitimate sit down dine in sushi.  We pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car excited for an evening of moderate to good food only to find that the restaurant Felicia had chosen had a counter with bright lit signs over the cashiers heads.  We opted out of the fast food experience and on a whim walked into the little Japanese restaurant three doors down.

My first impressions were good: nice atmosphere, the hostesses all looked the part and the food smelled decent.  My first warning should have been the fact that within five minutes of entering the restaurant we had a table and they had no high chairs available.  On Valentines day nobody has free tables and everyone has babysitters: therefore everyone has high chairs.  Ignoring this small issue eager to get on with my evening I went to the car to retrieve our car seat while the rest of my family got settled.  On my way back through the restaurant I'm assaulted by the rancid smell of burning plastic.  Again I ignore what I now realize must have been the universe warning me away…

After getting our seating arrangements sorted and the menus distributed we promptly began to analyze the menus.  The menu looked fairly complete, many Japanese restaurants in the United States serve Chinese dishes but all the Japanese food essentials looked to be there.  After careful consideration we ordered as follows:

Felicia: Assorted Tempura a la carte

Natalia: Children's Bento with Gyoza and Teriyaki Chicken

Me: Bento with "Ton Katsu", Assorted Tempura and Sashimi

Additionally we ordered a plate of Yellow-tail rolls and Spicy Tuna rolls

First up, Felicia and I receive our "Cucumber Salads".  The menu neglects to provide any further indication as to what this really is and I naively believed it was some Americanized name for sunomono.  I was wrong.  This plate was actually diced cucumbers slathered in soy sauce and sprinkled with sesame seeds.  Which bares only one ingredient in common with sunomono: Cucumber.  All surprises and kidding aside this dish was palatable and the only complaint I have is that this particular plate just doesn't make sense.  It's salty and watery with sesame seeds which are flavorless.  It doesn't seem to have any culinary or health value.

Next we received our miso soups.  This is where things started to take a turn for the worse.  Immediately I noticed the miso soup was "weak", I dismissed this believing maybe this was a low sodium variety (perhaps to compensate from the salt overload of the "Cucumber Salad"?).  Almost immediately, Felicia notifies me her miso soup contains no tofu and no seaweed.  Natalia reports she has one piece of tofu in hers and I realize I've only received two.  Great, three pieces of tofu for the entire table.  We quickly evened the tofu and the seaweed distribution around the table and got back to eating our soup.  Long story short the miso soup was lacking, watered down, and the tofu was tough and chewy and tasted as though it had been tossed into our bowls on the way to the table.  Completely free of any miso flavor.  Not off to a good start, I can make miso soup better than this in my sleep.

Next our sushi arrived.  I remark jokingly that I hope the wasabi isn't just horseradish that's been dyed green but am genuinely pleased when I note it's the real deal.  Not only is it the genuine article but it's got a great kick, the kind you feel at the tip of your spine and arcs through your skull and sears your sinus's clean.  All-in-all a good experience.  The sushi was decent as well although genuinely nothing to write home about, it wasn't chewy or ripe, and went down well.  I've had spicier spicy tuna but it was an honest attempt and acceptable.

Next our main courses arrived.  Where do I start?

I began with my tempura, these breaded delicacies have a tendency to get soft and soggy over time and are best enjoyed   sooner rather than later.  The tempura items themselves could  best be described as "thick", this isn't really a big deal, I'm spoiled and know it.  I prefer a light fluffy breading that practically crumbles in a heavy breeze and sponges up the sauce before it even comes into contact with the bowl.  This had a consistency comparable to a potato chip.  This is fine, the food just spends more time in the tempura sauce.  Which tasted like oranges.  Really?  Oranges!  I asked Felicia if she noticed this "citrus" flavor in her assorted tempura meal.  She considered a moment and said she did and shrugged.  But I couldn't seem to get past it.  This flavor was so out of place with tempura I couldn't help but fixate on it.  With every bite the tangy flavors of Florida got stronger and more pervasive.  Invading my tempura experience until I couldn't take it anymore.  I put down the tempura and moved on to the "Ton Katsu".

Now anyone out there who knows even a little about Japanese is probably choking on their own righteousness screaming at me that it's spelled "Tonkatsu".  I know.  I am spelling it this way because this is how the restaurant spelled it in the menu.  I suppose with any of the non-Anglo-Saxon alphabets spelling is sort of a fluid subject once they've been transliterated.  Maybe this is even an acceptable spelling, but it's not one I've ever seen.  And Google seems to believe it isn't correct either.  You do your best to spell it using the sounds in an alphabet that wasn't designed to write the word you're writing.

Anyways, back to the "Ton Katsu".  I picked up my first piece of breaded pork and dipped it into my katsu sauce and took my first bite.  That's odd, doesn't quite taste right…  Let me try that again I thought to myself.  At which point my piece of pork fell completely clear of the breading.  A problem which would repeat itself throughout the entire dish, every piece of pork needing to be consumed separately from it's breading.  Every bite grating at me, something is wrong, something doesn't quite taste right… It's the sauce, what is wrong with the sauce?  Then it dawned on me.  I know this flavor, and it's not katsu sauce.  It was A1 Steak sauce.  I am not kidding, let me say that again: it was A1 Steak sauce.  They had certainly sweetened it just a hair, but there it is, once it was identified the flavor was unmistakable.  Now this wasn't a particularly repulsive combination in all honesty but I will say it was quite offensive once I realized what was going on.  Did they really think they could serve me A1 Steak sauce with my "Ton Katsu" and I wouldn't notice?  Maybe this is the difference between "Tonkatsu" and "Ton Katsu": the latter is served with steak sauce, while the former is a Japanese dish?

I finished with my sashimi, like the sushi was unimpressive.  It was flavorless, chewy and the serving size was ridiculously small.  Other than that I can't think of anything else to say.  At this point in the meal I don't think I would have been surprised about anything.

On to Natalia's dish.  Partly through the meal Felicia and I noticed she's been neglecting her teriyaki chicken.  Now for anyone who has ever taken a child under 12 to a Japanese restaurant you know teriyaki chicken is "candy".  Put simply this savory sweet dish is the best part of the strange food Mom and Dad have hauled you out to eat.  We asked her what's going on and she innocently shrugged and says she just preferred the gyoza.  My curiosity piqued I pinched a piece of her chicken and got to work chewing.  And chewing.  And chewing.  Dry, salty and absolutely the flattest teriyaki flavoring I have ever had the displeasure to taste.  You can buy more flavorful teriyaki sauce in a bottle on the bottom shelf of the grocery store.  "Go ahead and eat your rice, Natalia.  Let me know if it's crunchy."  She said it wasn't crunchy, but who knows if her she would have even noticed.  I didn't have the sense of adventure to try the rice myself and find out.  I'm not feeling cynical at all by this point of the meal at all.

Felicia surprisingly enough made it through the best.  Perhaps because she didn't notice the citrus in the tempura and this was the main portion of her entrée.  That in addition to the decent sushi quality she came out of the meal with no complaints.  As I finished my meal Felicia jokingly pointed out they serve tempura ice cream there.  I glared at her and we paid the check.  We left and went to Baskin and Robbins for our dessert.  Our Ice Cream was delicious.