Friday, April 7, 2017

Tales of McVurdy: Better Days

Shem crept through the tall grass encircling the army encampment. The light from campfires danced across the field, casting shadows before him.  He kept low under the starlit sky, his eyes were the only break in the black clothing he wore from head to toe.  He could just make out the drunken rambling and shouting of soldiers on the eve of battle.  They beat their chests and joked bawdily.  They felt assured of their victory, so much so they had to repeat their convictions aloud.
He watched as a lone soldier stumbled away from camp.  Shem stalked him, keeping his distance so as to not be seen.  Years of training in The Order had made this second nature to him.  He glided silently through the grass, keeping a safe distance but totally outside of the soldier’s notice.  He was about Shem’s height and build, his uniform was worn and neglected, meaning he took no pride in his enlistment.  He’d probably been compelled into fighting and would not be missed.  The soldier swayed drunkenly as he fumbled at the tie on his trousers, his shadow swung back and forth across the trees and danced in the flickering firelight.  Shem grabbed a stone and tossed it with a practiced arm, placing the soldier between himself and the thud and tumble in the bushes.
“Who’s tha’?” the soldier slurred, and rocked as he drunkenly looking away from Shem, “‘is that you J-” Shem’s knife interrupted the question when he sheathed it in the soldier’s brain through the base of his skull.  Quickly Shem shoved the soldier down and stripped him of his clothes, careful to keep the fresh blood from staining the uniform too heavily.  He doubted anyone would notice, the uniform was even filthier than Shem had first realized in the dim light. It was stained with countless, bodily fluids from any number of sources.  He pushed the thoughts from his head as he pulled the clothes on over his own.  He dragged the corpse into some bushes and piled a few loose branches on it.  It was unlikely he’d be found before morning, and by then he’d be long gone.  He pulled down his hood and tucked it into the shirt behind himself and quickly inspected his disguise.
When he was satisfied he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  His mind emptied and his thoughts fled with practiced ease, hours spent meditating had made this second nature to him.  Drunk.  He thought the simple word to himself and he began to sway on his feet, felt his face flush, and posture slacken.  Wandering back to where the soldier had come from would be too dangerous, someone might recognize his uniform, and become suspicious about the whereabouts of their friend.  If he wandered into the revelry from a different angle, people would simply assume he was a lost soldier from another part of the camp.  He began to stumble into the field, blazing a meandering trail back towards a different part of the camp than his dead soldier had originated.
He scanned the camp before him, and counted three different banners flying over groups of campfires.  He flicked open a pouch in his left sleeve and dropped three beans from it to the ground, tying it shut again with practiced ease.  He continued his oblique trek towards the camp, edging nearer the firelight, until someone called out at him.
“Hey!  You lost?”  Shem could make out the stifled chuckles from his friends.
“Huh?”  Shem called back, making a show of looking for the source of the voice in an exaggerated appearance of night blindness.  “That you Jem?”  He slurred the words and swung his head around, stumbling backwards.  Laughter now from the campfire.  He spotted another new flag, one he hadn’t seen before, and dropped another bean.
“Come here!” one of the men at the fire was running towards him, and grabbing his arm gently, leading him to the fire.  “Sit and drink!”  Shem nodded as if this was the most reasonable plan in the world.
“Name’s Shem,” he hiccuped at the group.
“Nice to meet ya, Shem.” his host replied.  He was clearly an officer, albeit a low ranking one.   His uniform was well cared for and decorated.  He even looked cleaner and better kempt than his companions.  He sat slightly apart from the group as though he had already been promoted, at least in his head.  “I’m Jek, and these dirtbags are Slacks and Trast.”  The latter two soldiers were more like his victim in the field, dirty and disheveled.  Street urchins compelled into military service.  Perhaps they enjoyed it, but they took no pride in their campaign. Shem nodded at each name, his whole body rocked with the motion like sloppy bows.
They chuckled, “What unit you from?”
Shem shrugged, “I’m just here for the booze.” They laughed even louder, slapping their knees.  Shem looked around at the group grinning stupidly.  “You know there’s a war on?”
“No shit!” uproarious laughter, Jek slapped him on the back.  “You work that out all on yer own?”
Shem gave him a proud smile.  “We gonna win, ain't we?”
“Here, here!” Slacks held up his mug, the rest of the party echoed the cheer.
“I mean-” Shem gulped down his drink, “they’ll see us riding up on the city tomorrow and, they’ll shit their pants!”
“Ha!” Trast chuckled, “they won’t see us coming at all!  Not with their city burning down from the inside!”  The three grunted wordlessly, and beat their chests.
“I’m glad they didn’t make me go on that suicide mission” Trast volunteered when the burst of revelry had died down.  “You remember when we marched on Shin’Don?” Nobody responded, Trast had taken a solemn and sobering look, the rest of the group sat quietly, letting him tell the story. Shin’Don, This was news to Shem, communication with his brethren their were limited with all the patrols on the roads between.  “My pal, Jeon was in the infiltration team…”  Trast gulped from his cup.  “He barely escaped with his life.  They set the fires like they was supposed to but they got nabbed on their way back to the sewers.”  He stared quietly into the fire for a long moment, and nobody said a word.
“They was tied up in some underground cellar.  Dank and dirty, uncivilized like.  He says at first they just hung from the ceilings, whipping them and asking questions.  Then those freaks in all black clothes showed up.  Stuff they done was unnatural.”  He took a shuddering breath, “Kept for weeks, strapped on their backs with water dripping on the foreheads.  They couldn’t drink it, and it kept them from sleeping.  They shoved bamboo under their fingernails.”  Trast looked up at the group.  “Other, even worse, unspeakable things.  He ain't been the same since.”
The silence stretched into minutes.  The roar and laughter from other campfires drifted over to them, but Shem could clearly hear the crackle and pop of of their own fire.  He knew if this Jeon had escaped at all, it was because The Order leadership in Shin’Don had wanted him to.  They probably wanted him to spread his fearful tales throughout the army.
Shem abruptly stood, all eyes turned to him quizzically, and he swayed on his feet momentarily.  “I-” he shook his head, making it look like he was clearing his head as he tried to come up with an excuse to continue his patrol, “I just remembered, my commander said he had a special assignment for me tomorrow-“
They laughed, “That’s tomorrow you blockhead!  Sit!  Drink!  It’s not like you’re on the infiltration team.  They only send The Warrior Priest to do those now.”  he leaned towards the fire again, a mischievous glint in his eye.  “They say he’s died a thousand times, and been fightin’ this war since it started five hundred years ago!”  Shem’s breath caught in his throat.  He whispered a silent and ancient prayer of protection under his breath.  If the Crimson Blade was among this army his reconnaissance mission had just become more urgent.
Shem shook his head and laughed.  “Well, I at least need to take a leak.”  he announced to nobody in particular and then stumbled away from the camp walking further than necessary in a wandering path so they wouldn’t be concerned when he didn’t return.  He made a show of standing in the field a minute, facing away from the fire, and pretending to piss on the ground while he considered what he’d learned.  This might not be any army from the west, this might be The Army. He needed to finish his reconnaissance and confirm his suspicions.
Shem continued on a circuit around the camp, dropping beans every time he saw a new banner, casually fending off advances from other drunken revelers.  Halfway around the circle he stopped and his blood ran cold.  He hadn’t really believed it when Jek said it, but now he saw with his own eyes.  The white flag with the red dagger and an emblazoned golden “M”.  The flag of The Warrior Priest.  Shem hastened his patrol, but decided not to venture into the camp again.  It was said when in the presence of the warrior priest an enemies disguise would fall off, or he would simply trip and fall onto his own knife.  Freak accidents seemed to favor the priest.  Shem didn’t believe in superstitions, but he didn’t feel like putting his convictions to the test.  He needed to return to the temple as soon as possible.
When he’d finished his circle of the camp he quickly doffed his disguise and dove into the bushes fleeing from the army as quickly as he could while remaining reasonably hidden.  When he’d passed the outer circle of patrols he opened his left sleeve and counted the beans remaining, there were only three left, meaning forty-seven houses in this army.  Each house brought between two and three thousand men.  This meant three to one odds for Shem’s people.  Those were despairingly steep odds.
He sprinted silently towards the city walls on bare feet.  His pulse thudded in his ears, he needed to alert the elders, they must begin the evacuation tonight, now!  There was a small grove up against the walls on the south side of the city where an unused sewage tunnel let out, it was his favorite covert path in and out of the city.  His heart was racing, and this close to the city he abandoned all stealth in favor of haste.  He openly sprinted through the bushes, and could just see the small pile of rocks indicating the exit when his foot caught on a branch and he fell face first.
He must have hit his head on a rock and lost consciousness because the next thing he knew he was on his back and the tip of a sword was pressing down on his throat.  He looked up at the blurry figure before him.  He squinted and blinked his eyes, trying to bring the shifting colors into focus and when they did he realized he was beneath an old man in strange robes.  They shifted colors even in the dark, continuously shimmering and swimming before him, they seemed to draw Shem’s eyes to the old man’s hip where he found a sheathed red dagger with a single gold wrought letter on the side.
“Hi,” the man above him said congenially.  “I’m McVurdy, priest of The Lord of Chaos, Maelstrom. You might know me better as The Warrior Priest, The Lord Catalyst, The Crimson Blade, and a few others I can’t think of.  ...and you are?”
“Shem” he choked out.
“Shem,”  The old man stopped and considered Shem for a moment.  “Shem, I’m afraid you’re going to die today.  Right now, actually.  I just don’t have time or the patience for prisoners, and if I tie you up out here, you look like the kind of guy who’d find your way out with ease.  It’s nothing personal, just bad timing really, and I don’t trust you.”
Shem stared up at the priest, speechless.  He should stand his ground and insult him, he should beg for his life.  He should fight back, but he couldn’t.  His body wouldn’t respond.
“I’m glad you understand.  Good bye now.”

There was pain and then the world went black.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Astrotourism: Camping Under The Stars!

I really like camping.  I really like the stars.  I have a big telescope with fancy eyepieces.  Combining these two interests of mine works out really well.  We can camp in some really amazing places!

Dates

Picking a date for camping under the stars has to be well thought out.  Visibility is greatly impacted by the amount of light in the sky.  Obviously weather needs to permit stargazing.  Additionally, being near cities is bad, all the light pollution from street lamps, homes, businesses, etc. reduces visibility greatly.  On top of all that, the moon is bad.  The moon, as you may not have realized, is the second brightest object in the sky (second only to the sun).  When the moon is out the number of stars you can see is dramatically reduced (not as much as when the sun's out, but hopefully you've noticed this).  So, for prime astronomy we want to pick a date during the new moon.

The 2017 new moon dates are listed here:

Lunation
New Moon
1164
Jan 27
4:07 pm
1165
Feb 26
6:58 am
1166
Mar 27
7:57 pm
1167
Apr 26
5:16 am
1168
May 25
12:44 pm
1169
Jun 23
7:30 pm
1170
Jul 23
2:45 am
1171
Aug 21
11:30 am
1172
Sep 19
10:29 pm
1173
Oct 19
12:12 pm
1174
Nov 18
3:42 am
1175
Dec 17
10:30 pm

This year we actually have some great new moon options. I've marked the new moons which take place during typical camping months in bold.  May's new moon is on a Thursday, that might be a bit difficult.  June and July are Saturdays.  August is a Monday (doable, but not ideal).

We have an additional factor to consider this year.  If we want to have a astronomy weekend, there is a total solar eclipse which will pass over much of North America on August 21, the same day as the August new moon.  This might actually make a terrific extended astronomy weekend!  It would give me an excuse to buy a solar filter for my telescope!

Something like this.

Location

Picking a location is even more difficult than picking the date.  There are great online tools for mapping light pollution.  One of these is Dark Site Finder, it's a Google Maps style interface but with a light pollution overlay.  The trick is to pick a spot with low light pollution and a high altitude.  Low light pollution means less visibility interference from light refraction in the upper atmosphere.  High altitude means less of that pesky atmosphere between us and the vacuum of space.

Studying these maps last year I decided on the below location for our camping trip.  These appear to be some of the darkest skies in the pacific northwest (and aren't too far from Portland).

More or less the entire state of Oregon.
Last year I settled on a campsite outside of Service Creek, OR.  A location many people felt it was too remote (4 hour drive), and due to an firey explosion and train derailment on I-84 were unable to make the trek out.  You can see the campsite starred here:

Mule Shoe
The skies were beautiful, but considering the drive and the supposedly low levels of light pollution I was disappointed.  It seemed like an awful lot of time and energy investment for not much return.  There are places nearer to Portland that have higher light pollution but higher altitude and similar skies.  That's it!  I'd forgotten the other half of that equation: High altitude.  We were camped right on the river, so only at about 1600 feet above sea level.  Too much air was above us!

Additionally, as far as campgrounds go, it was loud and smelly.  The John Day highway gets more traffic than you might imagine and we were camped maybe fifty feet away.  It reminded me of camping on the Oregon coast, one of my least favorite places to camp, with highway 101 always reminding you of its presence.

This Year

So this year, as I'm planning this trip I pulled up two tabs, and lined them up right next to each other.  One with Dark Skies, the other with a topographical map of the region and was quickly drawn to the circled area.

New Idea
Circled is a small piece of the Umatilla National Forest with numerous access roads and lots of interesting topography.

Source: Google Maps

I see roads running through areas 3000-4000 feet up.  A few at 4800 feet.  Not bad.  There aren't really any formal camping sites in this area, but that's OK.  It gives us the opportunity to establish a "Hill's Gully" or "Hill's Hill" style camping site.  Something remote, quiet, and free!

This of course adds about an hour to the drive, and the exploration/discovery portion of this trip hasn't been done yet.  Discovering a site like this really requires us to drive into the forest and wander around until we find a site.  Then I'd have to mark the GPS coordinates, drive (probably 2 hours) back to cell reception and let you know where we're camping.

Another Idea

Another option is, to try going the other way.  Sacrifice slightly in regards to dark skies but get the higher altitude and a known park.

It's not perfect, but it's pretty danged good.
While we're camped there we could make a day trip over to Umatilla, scope out some potential sites, get a feel for the area, and mark GPS coordinates for future trips.

There are of course no formal camp grounds in this area that Google is aware of.  Heading down the freeway a bit we get to Bear Hollow/Shelton Wayside at about 2200 feet.

This of course would not be an option for the Solar Eclipse as it's first-come-first serve.  Their website explicitly states they aren't taking reservations for the solar eclipse (stop e-mailing us!), so it stands to reason they'll be busy that weekend.  I expect the stargazing quality would be similar to Mule Shoe, but they don't really appear to be much further from the freeway.  Bear Hollow is across the river, maybe that'll be enough distance?

Something Else Entirely

Of course, if I'm forced to compromise on light pollution, the possibilities open way up (see the first Dark Sky map above).  Moving further west into the Cascades we get lots of places where decent light pollution intersects with high altitudes.  Mt. Jefferson is a pretty good spot, right at the intersection of the high altitudes of the Cascades and the low light pollution of the area.

Mountains occlude the stars, so there's that.

Riverside Detroit and Breitenbush lake both pop out in this image.  Riverside Detroit is at 2400 feet (too low considering the light pollution), Breitenbush Lake is at 5,000.  It's about 2.5 hours from Portland, low light pollution, high altitude, and free to boot!  Google photos are also beautiful, and it's isolated, so I'm sure it's quiet.  Looks like there are some wide open areas; hopefully enough for stargazing, we may need to muscle our way into a spot near the lake.  Being this far west it would be preferable to go later in the summer, as this would ensure fewer clouds.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

I (Usually) Hate Car Shopping


I was driving my car maybe 2,000 miles every 18 months, so it was a complete waste of insurance money and the space in my driveway.  When I needed to go somewhere with the family or quickly run over to the grocery store we used my wife's Crossover Hybrid.  Additionally the co-author on the WIP McVurdy books was having issues with his cars so he had borrowed mine.  For the better part of six months.

I also have no car payments right now and I LOVE it.

I basically woke up one day and said "Dude, I don't want to insure it anymore, give me cash, and I'll give you the title."  So I sold him the car and I'm currently car-free which is working out remarkably well.   I bike to work everyday (~2 miles) and the way our schedule works out we don't really need a second car.  Usually.

Sometimes we do need a second car.  For example, a few weeks ago my daughter had to go to her Karate lessons and 30 minutes after they started we had to be at my son's school for a Kindergarten open house.  Both of these events got out at the same time.  It's unusual, and we pulled it off... sort of... I basically spent two hours in the car, and missed most of the open house, but one parent was able to attend and our daughter got picked up from karate, so success!

So if I'm going to get a second car it has to be more useful than the one I just sold (economy sedan).  We really enjoy camping in our family and the crossover is great for around town stuff, but when we load up for a weekend of camping it gets crowded.  Tents, sleeping bags, two kids, two adults, two dogs, food, etc... I have a cargo box strapped to the roof rack and a cargo rack hanging out of the tow hitch in the back.  The dogs sit on the floor beneath the kids and a cooler is usually shoved between them.  I've mastered this game of Tetris but am afraid we have no room to expand.

All set, ready to go.  Only just enough space for the driver

Last year we went on a wonderful camping trip to Eastern Oregon, picked a spot with almost no light pollution and I wanted to bring my 8" Dobsonian Reflector telescope with us (they're huge).  There was no way I was fitting the telescope in the mess and even with all my planning we came up short on water (there just wasn't enough space!)

It's a large pile of highly sophisticated equipment.  It's PRECIOUS!

The primary reason my sedan never got driven was because it just wasn't useful.  We could barely fit the whole family in it, to say nothing of the dog(s).  We didn't use it for any trips because, frankly, we need space to haul food, drinks, clothes, even going to the beach required more space than was available.

I guess we could try this?  Source: Actually seen on the wild streets of Hillsboro, OR
So I've concluded I need a pickup.  It's perfect!  We can use it on our long haul trips, the extended or crew cabs are big enough to fit the family + furries and our junk can all get loaded into the bed.  If we wanted to get really fancy I could pull a small trailer with some ATVs or... other junk.  I can also use it for large home improvement projects.  Prior to home ownership the entire contents of my toolbox could be carried by one person in one trip.  Home ownership really brings out the handy-man in all of us.

Tying it to the rack improves the situation. A little.  You should have seen it with the 16' support beam for the swing-set on top.
So I started a little savings account in the fall, we're squirreling away a few bucks every month, I hope to buy my next car in cash.  Mostly because I hate car payments but also because my preventative steps after the Anthem and DOE breaches have made my credit difficult for even me to use (although I'm sure there are people I've never met who have memorized by SSN)

After we got our tax refund we figured maybe we should start looking.  I anticipate I'll end up spending more than I currently have but if we find a great deal then, hey, we save money!  So this weekend we drove up to Olympia, WA to look at a few trucks currently within our price range.  They both looked like decent trucks in the pictures, the CarFAX reports indicated they had both been in accidents with other vehicles (not involving airbags) so I was a bit wary but, what the heck!

The first truck we got into was a 2002 Ford F250 (Diesel). It smelled like someone had been chain smoking cigars in it for the last 15 years, and the burns in the carpet and upholstery indicated the smoker was right handed.  My wife and I have some experience getting rid of smoke stink, but we both had the distinct feeling even after a thorough shampooing and odor removal treatment this truck was going to need a lot of time airing out.

I stick the key in the ignition, wait for the "Wait-to-start" light to go out and turn.  It makes a lot of noise but definitely isn't starting.  "It's been sitting here on the lot a long time, try it again." the car salesman offers over my shoulder.  I turn the key again, it spins a while, I give it a solid 5 seconds and nothing happens.  "Did you wait for the glow-plugs to warm?" the salesman asks.

"I wasn't born yesterday" I mutter under my breath.  I let him walk me through "complicated process of starting a diesel".  After the light goes out I turn the starter, hold it for 15 seconds just because, why the hell not.  The engine catches!  It dies.  "One more time." the salesman grumbles, clearly embarrassed.

I make a few snide remarks about how many years it must have been sitting here, try one more time and the engine finally starts.  We sit in the parking spot idling for a few minutes as the salesman fills us in about their "5 day/300 mile return policy".  He innocently notes that "if it still isn't starting on the first try in a few days, bring it back and we'll give you your money back.  No pressure."

"We live 150 miles away," my wife remarks.  "So, we take it home, start it up tomorrow, bring it back, and it'll be out of warranty."

"Oh, yeah.  That sucks."

We pulled out of the parking lot and went on a brief test drive.  Out onto the highway down a few exits and back.  It drove fine.  Very loud, but diesels can be, it didn't pull, hesitate or stutter.  Once the engine warmed up ash and smoke residue started blowing out of the heater at us.  I wasn't particularly impressed, but willing to consider a purchase after a thorough inspection by a mechanic I trust.

We get back to the dealership and he points us at the truck parked next to where we started.  He knows he's not going to sell me the Ford.  Instead he recommends their 2001 GMC Sierra 2500 (Turbo Diesel!)  I try not to seem too excited, but this is exactly the truck I've been eyeing.  This truck is in my AutoTrader notifications and is the reason I drove to this dealership.  Just shy of 200K miles (which for a diesel is barely broken in) and their asking price was just shy of $12k, I had to check it out.

I get in and am immediately impressed by the lack of cigar smell.  The leather seats don't hurt either.  The kids note that the back seat didn't provide quite as much leg room, but they look comfortable enough.  I stick the key in the ignition, make a mocking remark about starting up on the first try start it up.  It roars to life.

There's a certain visceral elation some of us feel in the presence of a powerful machine.  I don't think it needs to be loud, but I don't think it hurts.  Nor do you need to feel it in your chest, although again, it doesn't hurt.  It's hard to describe exactly but when that rumbling diesel roared to life with the hissing, jet engine like sound of the turbo desperately dumping oxygen into the engine I surprised myself by yelling out. I don't think I yelled anything in particular, maybe something like "Oh yeah!".  I distinctly remember my adrenal glands opened up and I felt good.

"It started the first time!" I tried to redirect the source of my surprise for the salesman's benefit.  He chuckles, I don't think he bought it.  We sit in the parking spot a few minutes, letting the oil pressure come up and I adjust the heater, rear-view, and seats.  Then I flop around like a fish out of water trying to find the side-view mirror adjustment.  Apparently I have to rolldown the windows and do it manually.  Oh well.

We pull out of the parking spot and run the same route in what felt like half the time.  I didn't actually time it, but I swear, we went a lot faster.  When you're driving a truck like this you own the road.  I signal my intention to merge left, the left lane clears nearly instantly as tiny sedans submit to my obvious superiority.  I floor it on the on ramp to I5, the engine roars in response.  You have to understand something now.  I'm used to driving a hybrid crossover.  They get 0-60 in something like 90 seconds.  It's economically and ecologically responsible and for 99% of my driving it does the job but this thing.  This thing did exactly what I asked, when I asked.  I know deep in my chest, I may or may not be buying this truck (this remains to be seen) but I will buy a Sierra 2500 Turbo Diesel...

"I like this truck!" My four year old announces enthusiastically from the back.

We're out on the highway, making great time. I tell myself it must be because rush-hour traffic is dying down.  I note out loud that the engine, while more enjoyable to listen to, is definitely quieter than the Ford.  I get out on a straight away and take my hands off the steering wheel, just for a second, it pulls to the right.  Hmm, maybe it needs an alignment.  I mention as much out loud, the heater turns on.  "Hey, the heater is on and it doesn't smell like cigars!" my wife observes from the passenger's seat.  She's right, it does have that going for it.

We finish the test drive, I pull it back into the parking spot.  I look at the salesman, "Jordan, the CarFAX says this car was in an accident.  You wouldn't happen to have the accident report would you?"  He shrugs and says he'll check, if we'll just follow him.  I mention I'll stay outside and take a closer look at the exteriors of both trucks.

First thing I notice, I would have never seen on the Ford close up, between the front and rear wheels on the underside there is a distinct pattern of damage.  All little dings and bumps but it adds up to giving the entire truck the ever so slightest arch.  It's possible the damage was superficial, but it gave me the distinct impression someone had parked the truck on a fallen tree and then used it as a seesaw for a few hours.  There's a mess I'd rather not get involved with.  Next.

Not pictured: The truck

The GMC was a little more complicated.  I immediately noted some twisting on the top edges of the bed, at this point I have no idea what could have caused this.  The camper hookups beneath the truck also don't appear to be running as perpendicular to the transmission as I might expect.  Almost like something wrenched one of them out of place.  Finally the tailgate doesn't quite fit.  It's bowed distinctly outward, far enough I can stick my open hand in between the tailgate and the truck bed and I can still see the ground beneath.  I walk around the car checking places where the body meets, looking for obvious signs of twisting in the frame, and nothing sticks out.  But I can't help but think of that distinct pull.  By itself it is nothing but all of these things together?  I can't banish the image of two trucks playing tug-of-war in a muddy field until the back end of this truck pinches together, ever-so-slightly.  I called my father-in-law and talk it through with him.  He had no advice, but my gut said walk away.  So I did.

This is something people (idiots) actually do

As we left the dealership I shook the salesman's hand and thanked him for his time. He handed me his card and asked me to call in a week to see if they have new inventory. They really did seem like low pressure sales people. As we walked back to the hybrid my son stopped in his tracks and stared crying.  "What's wrong?" We all asked.

"I wanted the truck!" He choked out between sobs. "Why are we just leaving it?"

We finished the evening by meeting up with my sister (who lives in the area) for dinner and beers at McMenamin's.  This is the first time I've ever had a burger at McMenamin's where when I ordered medium-rare they brought me a medium-rare burger.  Usually my wife orders medium and gets medium-rare, while I order medium-rare and get well-done.  Beer was good, conversation was fun, kids were remarkably well behaved, but it was close to bed time on a school night so we cut it short.

The kids fell asleep on the ride home, my wife looks at me halfway there and says "We came four hours to test drive two trucks and we're going home completely empty handed.  Why do I feel like today was a good day?"

I'm not really sure, but I had to agree with her.

Monday, November 28, 2016

Unsolicited

The text message simply said “very clever’.  Jim frowned at the scuffed up phone screen trying to make out the phone number.  ‘Unknown’ it said.  Helpful, he thought as he rolled his eyes probably some spammer and he put the phone back in his pocket..   He returned his attention to the meeting, although he hadn’t missed anything.  Somebody with a thick accent was monologuing on the conference phone, reading line for line from his PowerPoint which was being projected against the wall at the far end of the room.
“...team would take over issues at the beginning of their work day...”
Ten of Jim’s teammates sat around the grey table under beige walls staring at their laptops, not even pretending to pay attention to the presenter but instead trying to get ahead of schedule on their assigned tasks.  Jim looked at his laptop, changed windows and pressed “Send/Receive” in Outlook hoping for any external stimulation but no new emails came in.
“...an hour or two of overlap is essential, this enables hand off of any issues…”
With a sigh Jim opened Facebook, scrolling through his feed, not really seeing anything for a few minutes then closed the tab.  He glanced up at the presentation, trying to pretend he was paying attention, his gaze snagged on Tina who rolled her eyes and smirked at Jim.  Jim shut his eyes and dropped his head a few inches, miming falling asleep, but quickly so no one else would notice.  When he opened his eyes again Tina was smiling and shaking her head before straightening up in her chair and returning her attention to her laptop.
Jim looked back up at the PowerPoint presentation.  The slide had changed and been replaced by a flow diagram of some sort.  There were boxes representing his team and their overseas equivalents.  Lines connected the boxes into a circle which surrounded a cloud.  The wall beneath the projected cloud was marked up by dry-erase marker.  Some moron who had used the room before them had decided the thirty by five foot whiteboard on the side of the room wasn’t good enough and written on the wall.  The marking was illegible, it looked like someone had spent some time trying to clean it before giving up.  By this time next week the wall would be repainted.
“... are there any questions?”
The ever anticipated keywords indicated they were nearing the end of the presentation.  Jim’s eyes snapped back to attention and refocused on the slide.  It had one word on it, the letters were a foot tall.  Jim held his breath, hoping nobody would have any questions and they could get out of the meeting 15 minutes early and head to lunch.
“Yeah,” Rick, his boss leaned forward, speaking into the conference phone in the center of the table.  A totally unnecessary effort since one of the many peripheral microphones was clearly six inches from his face.
“I was wondering if you could elaborate on…”  Jim leaned back in his chair stretching his arms up over his head.  His spine cracked in a few places and he grunted, stifling an exasperated groan.  The presenter responded to his question, then there were follow up clarifications.  When the follow up queries were exhausted he asked again if there were questions.  We could get out seven minutes early now, Jim thought… but someone else had a question.  This pattern repeated itself until there were two minutes left and everyone magically ran out of questions or maybe they all just stopped caring.
“Well…” the voice paused dramatically, giving everyone last chance to delay their lunch break, “if you have any other questions feel free to email or message me.  I’m online late most nights and I know this is a big change, so don’t hesitate to ask questions.”  Jim felt himself holding his breath again, the speaker paused again.  “Thanks for your time, have a great day!”
There were mutters of agreement and reciprocation all throughout the room, Rick stood and leaned over the conference phone, his finger on the ‘hang up’ button, he practically shouted into the phone.  “Thanks for the presentation, Igor!  It was very enlightening, we’ll be in touch”.
There was a click and the lights on the phone went off.  An audible, collective sigh of release filled the room.  Tina chuckled, “So it took him an hour to say ‘make sure you get a status update from Europe when you start in the morning.”  Jim rolled his eyes and shrugged.
Rick shook his head, “it’s important that we are all on the same page and don’t drop customer issues.”
“Is he expecting us to have an hour long sync meeting every morning?” Jim groaned.  Luckily nobody heard him over the shuffling of feet, laptops, and coats as everyone hurried towards the doorway trying their best to not look like they were hurrying.
Jim hung back avoiding the bustle so he was one of the last to leave the conference room. The air in the hallway felt cool and fresh after the stuffy conference room he breathed in cleansing the musty smell of his coworkers from his head.
“Hey” came a voice from behind him.  He turned and saw Tina had been waiting for him.  Tina was pretty although Jim had never seen her as anything other than a friend.  She was a good foot shorter than him and naturally brunette but he only knew that because he could see her roots.  Every week her hair was a different color this week it was neon blue.
“You have plans for lunch today?”  She fell in beside him and they followed the rest of the horde back towards their desks.
“Not really, you wanna grab a bite in the cafe’?” Jim hoisted his laptop under his arm, dragging his feet and lengthening the distance between him and his coworkers.
“Nah, let’s head off campus today, what about that deli?  The one attached to the butcher?”
“Sure,” Jim shrugged, “I need to drop off my laptop” he lifted it slightly then gestured towards it with his head, “then we can head out, cool?”
“Cool, I’ll just meet you there.”

Jim’s cubicle was a mess.  Post-It notes were attached to nearly every vertical surface, and then knickknacks and notepads were strewn on virtually every horizontal surface.  No trash, Jim was messy but definitely not a slob.  He walked the single pace to the back of his tiny cloth lined cell and set his laptop down, attaching the cable lock and power adapter.  He turned to leave but something caught his eye.  Sitting in the corner of his cubicle nearest the entrance, hidden from view unless you were inside looking out was a doll of some kind.
Jim squinted quizzically at the doll and leaned over to grab it.  He didn’t know anything about dolls but he knew it wasn’t Barbie, it looked far too much like an actual human.  It was definitely made in the likeness of an adult.  He lifted it up and found a note was pinned to the back.  It read “but I found you anyway”

Friday, October 28, 2016

Car Crash

Naomi sat in the seat, staring into space, while the kids charged around above her, yelling at the tops of their voices.  Something about this situation was odd, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it.  Her thoughts came slowly and through a haze.  She didn’t know any kids, much less have any of her own.  That wasn’t it.  Something else was odd.  Why were they above her?
She opened her eyes and looked around the car her head throbbed and spun simultaneously, her stomach heaved in protest as she slowly turned her head. Every puke green surface was either sticky from some forgotten spill or dusty from long neglect.  The seats were empty except for a pile of old fast food wrappers stuffed into bags in front of the passenger’s seat.  The car rocked up and down as the children jumped and shrieked above her.
“Hey, knock it off!” she pounded with her fist on the roof of the car.  Her head seared anew in objection.  She rubbed her eyes and glanced through her windows, trying to remember where she was.  She was in a ditch on some back country road, identical to any number of roads in the Great American Wilderness.  Cloud white steam was pouring out of the front of her car, and she didn’t need to be a mechanic to see why, her hood was wrapped around the trunk of an ancient tree.
She pushed herself up and out of her seat, the door groaned tiredly into the quiet as she flopped her feet to the ground.  She must have dozed off while driving.  She stopped and listened, silence washed over here and pressed into her skull, she couldn’t decide if it helped the headache or worsened it.  She hesitated, then pushed herself to a stand, where had those kids gone?
She spun around and squinted against the bright sunlight.  There was nothing on the roof of her car.  Not even footprints, the layer of dust seemed completely undisturbed.  She looked around, maybe they’d gotten down?  But all she could see in any direction was wide empty fields.  She looked up and down the road, there was nothing, not even a bush.  She’d certainly picked a great place to fall asleep, her tree was the only one for miles.  Just a few more feet and instead of a tree she would have knocked over some wire fence.
Cursing, Naomi reached into her pocket and pulled out a cigarette.  She lit it and inspected her head in the side mirror.  She had a few scratches on her cheek and possibly a bruise below her eye.  There was blood running down the side of her head matted in her hair.  She probably had a concussion.  She groaned and sucked hard on the cigarette as she flopped back into a lean against the car door pulling out her phone.  No service.  Great.
She shoved the phone back into her purse as a crow landed on the road opposite her.  “You wouldn’t happen to have a phone, would you?” she asked it mockingly.  The crow cocked it’s head at her quizzically.  “Or know where those kids went, the ones that were just on my roof a minute ago?”  The crow took two hops towards her, watching her intently.  She squinted back at the crow, sucking hard on her cigarette again, the crow’s eyes fixed intently on hers the whole time.
“Don’t you have something better to do?  Like eating, or fucking, or something?”
“Caw!” the crow barked at her, Naomi stifled a jump then laughed at herself.
“Could you at least go get some help?” she spat back at the crow, then flicked her still smoking butt in it’s direction.
The crow watched impassively as the flaming projectile went wide, then returned its stare to her a moment longer before taking flight.  Naomi watched as it disappeared into the distance, envying the ease and speed with which the bird could go anywhere it liked.  As simple as stepping out the front door, left foot then right, and repeat a few hundred thousand times.
Naomi walked around to the trunk.  She didn’t need a key and there was no latch.  The trick was to hit it with your fist in just the right place...  It took two or three tries but she got it, the trunk clicked, notifying her of her success.  She lifted it above her head, the worthless hydraulic lifts wheezed. She rammed an old closet rod in to wedge it open and inspected her meager possessions.
Nothing was damaged.  She pulled out a bottle of water and guzzled it greedily, tossing aside an old box of flares with her other hand trying to find that box of meal bars she’d stashed in here last week.  She found the box but it was empty.  With a string of curses she tossed the box back into the trunk and repacked her bag.  She quickly went through the car, making sure she wouldn’t leave anything she might miss.  She didn’t bother to lock it up, or ever close the doors, she just started walking.