/r/WritingPrompts: First Contact

"Land here," Commander Snu pointed at the largest continent on the view screen, they started descending through the upper atmosphere in a carefully practiced slow and nonthreatening manner.  From orbit they had established this was a Class 3 Civilization, either on the verge of total self-annihilation or migration to Class 4.  It was an opportune time to make first contact and Commander Snu had done this hundreds of times.  Their telescopic observations indicated the primary sentient lifeforms on the planet were bipedal and tool wielding.  Not uncommon, although unlike Snu's species they had evolved a total loss of their fur.

They came to a rest in the middle of a large clearing near a well populated area on the largest continent.  This seemed like the best place to make contact.  Snu grabbed two of his officers and they began making the descent of the ramp towards the ground. As expected a large group of the natives had flocked to their landing location, they were standing in a circle and at a distance from the ship.  Snu and his men walked down the ramp slowly and with carefully practiced precision, closed mouths baring no teeth, no facial movements whatsoever, arms spread slightly from their bodies and pointing at the ground.  After much trial and error this had been determined to be the least threatening possible approach to greeting a new civilization.

Once they were at the foot of the ramp Snu and his men stopped and waited.  The natives stood around and looked at each other, local military vessels were circling above their heads watching but making no aggressive overtures.  Eventually one member of the crowd stepped forward, slowly approaching them in an unpracticed imitation of the way Snu and his men had exited the ship.  Good, this meant they were open to cordial relations, if they weren't they probably would have been attacked before landing, but it still made Snu feel more relaxed.

Once the volunteer was standing before Snu he held his hand out in front of his torso.  Snu imitated him, then the volunteer moved his hand to Snu's and grasped it.  Not an uncommon gesture among bipedal species with two upper limbs and hands. It's a very natural gesture to symbolize "joining", although among Snu's people it was a intimate, usually preceding copulation.  Joining the service had certainly taught him to set aside his own modesty.  The volunteer's lips curled up and he started shaking Snu's hand up and down, there was a general increase of sound from the crowd. Snu's ears went back in alarm, but he still perceived no direct threat so he held his ground.

The volunteer was talking but Snu did not yet understand, the Universal Translator was still collecting data for comparison, and would probably be able to begin translating very soon.  They would record all conversations and review them later once the language was understood, but for now, this symbolic first contact was meant as a brief meeting.

Just at that moment he heard a gurgle and thump from his left side.  The bio monitor in the corner of Snu's vision indicated one of his men had dropped dead. Alarmed Snu ripped his hand free and retreated back towards the ramp, he crouched and his ears went up.  Almost unconsciously he raised his battle shield with a hum then everything went quiet, his HUD automatically swept his surroundings looking for threats.  Soon he established what had happened, insects.  A small insect had landed on Lieutenant and bit him, bit him!  Was this an attack?  Were these people attacking them?  Why, then, would they remain so near to such an obvious biological attack?  Just then the HUD alarms started going off and little specks of light started coming up.  Everywhere, the entire planet was infested!  Billions of them just within this little clearing, and the locals, they seemed completely oblivious!

"Retreat to the ship!" Snu ordered, and before he'd made it up the ramp they were already in flight.  Snu went straight to his command station and opened a communications channel with the homeworld.

"Sir, the first contact did not go well, first observations indicate that 'insects' are native to this planet and achieve unfathomably high populations!" The Admiral's fir stood on end and his ears went back.  "I recommend a total and complete annihilation of the star system, it's the only way we can be sure the infestation doesn't spread to other planets."

"Agreed," the admiral replied gravely.  "You will need to remain in system and prevent any vessels from leaving, although I gather from your earlier report that is unlikely.  We will begin dispatching the armada in preparation for Nova Induction"  The Admiral paused and took a deep breath. "Your vessel may have also been infested, you and your crew will have 3 days to prepare for the arrival of the fleet, make peace with your families and say farewell."

Commander Snu acknowledged the order wordlessly then terminated the transmission.  His crew knew the risks and would do their duty gladly.  There was no sufficiently effective way to sterilize against an insect threat, and any number could have laid their eggs or flown into the ship during their brief landing.

Who would have thought when they woke up this morning that they would be landing on the deadliest world in the known universe?

Originally written for: https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/3m6dux/wp_when_aliens_land_on_earth_it_is_quickly/

Rant: Corolla Rental House

I'm leaving out the address we stayed at for obvious privacy reasons and to protect the guilty

Once upon a time this property may have been "252 yards from the beach" (330 according to Google Maps).  From our conversations with neighbors who had rented their houses in previous years, according to the neighbors this hasn't been true for more than a year, the fences were up when they were here the same week last year, and the maintenance guy we met said the fence was put up about 8 months ago.  Maybe he meant 18 months.  This is where our problem started.  We rented this property with the understanding we would have a relatively short walk to the beach and arrived to find a 6 foot tall fence along the backyard with dozens of "No Trespassing: Violators will be prosecuted" signs along the back.  These signs very clearly block the path to the beach.  The only alternative routes take you North or South a few hundred yards and the routes add up to more than 900 yard walks.  The beach accesses all have "No loading or unloading" signs in front of them which means that for folks who rented here expecting a short walk (or drive) to the beach for small children and elderly family we were in for a rude surprise.  It seems that if their goal was to make it difficult to get to the beach, they succeeded.  We spent the first several days we were here trying to get the rental property to do something about it.  They advertised a 252 yard walk, we'd settle for 350.  The maintenance guy offered to put a gate in the fence but said he'd need to contact the owner of the adjoining property first, whom I think he made his opinion quite clear with the signs threatening prosecution. When the false advertising lawyers got involved, the rental property stalled on giving us any firm resolution.  Halfway through we gave up on getting them to give us any resolution while we were here.  I'm sure there will be further follow up, but in the meantime we tried to make the best of our vacation.

Which leads me to the generally poor status and disrepair of this property.  I mean, on the surface, this is a beautiful home, the layout is a bit strange and perhaps inefficient.  It's rare that you have to spend time exploring and drawing maps to find your way around, but it's a good looking house nonetheless, nicely furnished and very spacious.  We found the kitchen to be reasonably stocked with cookware (no waffle maker, but now I'm being picky).  By the end of the second day, however; we had a laundry list of broken fixtures and generally dangerous oversights.  We sat down in the basement and turned on the TV only to discover someone hard of hearing had been the last person to use it. Fine but it turns out the volume down button on the remote does nothing.  Covering our ears and approaching the television with our faces averted we managed to get the volume turned down to a survivable level.  It turns out two of the TVs didn't work at all, the equipment was improperly installed and configured.  Later that evening we pulled out the trundle bed in the basement and were stopped short.  The frame was so warped that the bed didn't even pull out properly.  I guess it could work if you like hammocks. That don't move. At all. A maintenance guy came by and spent the afternoon hammering on the thing and got it to pull out and hold the mattress in a mostly flat way, but it was still terribly uncomfortable.

Meanwhile elsewhere in the house, a few of us walked into one of the Queen bedrooms and turn on the light.  Or half the lights, as the other half of the bulbs were all dead, one of the end table lamps has a short in it and therefore wouldn't stay on unless you stand in front of it repeatedly shaking the end-table. Not how I want to spend my vacation.  I attempted to change one of the bulbs in the ceiling fan only to have the glass fall out of the fixture because the glue had apparently melted and ended up with a shock. By the third night the lights in the downstairs area had stopped turning on altogether. We're doomed to a life of darkness and eyestrain. And I wanted to do some reading!

There is a large shared bathroom between the bedroom with the two twin beds and the one with the bunk bed where the ventilation fan apparently doesn't work.  We see the fan, and several switches but nothing turns it on. Remind me to take my constitutionals somewhere else.

We were there in the middle of August and it was, as we expected, hot.  The house has Air Conditioning but it only seems to be capable of keeping the top floor cool.  This is fine during the day as it's where the majority of the food and socializing happens but at night we quickly realized something was wrong in the bedrooms.  Vents are open, we can feel a slight cool breeze, but with two people in these bedrooms were unable to keep them cool.  Our first night, with AC on our room got up to 90.  The master suite was 65.  I'm not an expert but something seems wrong here, maybe there's an obstruction in one of the ducts?

My grandfather who arranged this trip and generously reserved the house for everyone at no cost to us was livid at this point, he spent at least an hour a day on the phone with lawyers or the property managers. As a career politician he's learned to ask nicely in many different ways but he didn't seem to be making any headway. About halfway through our trip he settled down after one such phone call with a newspaper and a beer only to suddenly find himself on the floor. The chair he'd sat on had simply fallen apart, not broken but rapidly disassembled itself underneath him, flinging him backwards into the bay windows and then dropping him on the floor.

And these were just the highlights. Needless to say was not a happy customer and would not buy again.

Tales of McVurdy: A Guard's Mistake

His eyes popped open with a start.  He was surrounded by faces staring at him.  This all seemed familiar... He couldn't remember who he was.  The faces moved all around him in symphony but always staring at him.  He sat up and they sat up.  All the faces were the same.  They were mirrors.  Right, this is a mirror shop he thought to himself as things began to focus.  He looked around at the disarray.  There was a fire in the stove and mirrors stacked all around him.  This was where the mirrors were stored before he sold them.  How did he know that? He stood and did a slow circuit of the room.  His face gazed back at him hauntingly familiar yet unfamiliar in the mirrors he passed.  My name is McVurdy and I make the mirrors.  Things were coming back to him.  What had he been doing?  Had he been working late and dozed off?  He looked out the window at the dim light, either dusk or dawn, he couldn't tell which.  He walked through the door in the back of the shop to his work area.

For all the clutter and disarray in the front room, the back was even worse.  There was no organization here, only impulse and gut feeling.  Every day he picked up and dropped projects on a whim and left them where they lay.  Dozens of half-finished mirrors and their frames only partially affixed lay on the floor and propped against the wall. He walked to his bench.  There were two large mirrors propped against the wall facing him at an angle.  They had been set here to be framed.  McVurdy looked at his face in the mirrors, straddling both mirrors so he was split in the middle.  He closed his eyes and said a prayer to Maelstrom, The God of Chaos.  Nobody worshipped chaos anymore.  The prayers were all forgotten but McVurdy remembered.  How long had it been since the last temple had burned?  Longer than anyone living remembered.  As he finished his prayer he opened his eyes in time to see the mirrors quiver in response to the ancient blessing.

"Grandfather!" a woman's voice gave him a start.  He turned in time to see Shalae enter the room.  She was a heavyset middle-aged woman, to most people she seemed gruff and heartless but to family she was warm and caring.  She could be harsh with her words but her intent was for one's best interest.  McVurdy was not her grandfather, he was her great, great, great, great... He'd lost count.  Grandfather would do. "What are you doing here so early?  Did you go home last night?" She began to interrogate him. "You know you shouldn't sleep in that old chair.  You have a perfectly comfortable feather bed at home!" McVurdy stopped listening.  His life was coming back to him.  Like the fog burning off in the morning's first light, he could see his past, he knew who he was, but something was still missing.  Something was still off, the same thing that had been wrong his whole life, what was it?

"Are you even listening?" She broke into his thoughts.

"Yes, yes, of course!  I just woke with the sun and came in early" McVurdy lied.  "Sleep evades me in the early hours and I find it's useless to fight it."  She nodded knowingly.

"Well, we've a big day today!  That merchant from down south is coming by to pick up his wares and it simply won't do to have you lazing about!" The last she said with a wink and a smile

Just then they turn their heads to the front of a shop at a loud thumping and shouting. McVurdy and Shalae both hurry to the front and find a large gruff looking town guard steaming and fuming.  He had thrown a mirror on the ground but it was unbroken and was now staring at it in disbelief, muttering to himself about sorcery. The frame was made from gold and steel, interwoven like beautiful and elegant tree branches. McVurdy remembered this mirror, he'd sold it last month, why was it back in his shop?

"Where's my wife!" bellowed the guard, he was wavering on his feet and McVurdy could smell alcohol from across the room.

"Not here sir." Shalae replied as she calmly walked towards him. "You seem to have lost your way, perhaps I should take you home?" She reached towards his shoulder to begin walking him towards the door but he quickly jerked back and rounded on her.

"That's where I come from and she disappeared!" he bellowed at her.

Shalae stepped back and crossed her hands in front of her, "well, I can assure you she isn't..."

"Would you shut up!" the guard interrupted her, "She disappeared into this Gods-be-damned mirror you sold her!" His face was turning red, he seemed to be teetering somewhere between rage and desperation, McVurdy knew that this was a tipping point in the man's life, this emotional state could result in a man making decisions that would plague him until the end of his days. "She was brushing her hair and turned to walk away when her foot got caught on the ground and she fell into the mirror and..."  He looked on the verge of tears.  He was breathing quickly and heavily, maybe this would pass? He took a deep breath and rallied himself, rounding on McVurdy now, pointing at the mirror on the ground.  "She fell into that mirror and was gone!  It's unnatural! You're a conjurer! You will answer for your crimes!"

Shalae stepped between McVurdy and the guard "Now I say! There has been a great misunderstanding here, and we will get to the bottom of it".  The guard's eyes never left McVurdy's face, his courage seemed to waver.

"Perhaps you should follow her into the mirror?" McVurdy realized it as the first he'd spoken since the incident had begun.

The man's face softened and his temper seemed to cool, then there was a jerk, the familiar sound of a blade penetrating flesh, and Shalae falling to the ground.  The soldier's face twisted into a grin as he watched McVurdy scramble to her aid, only too late, the light was already leaving Shalae's eyes.  The guard began wiping the blood off his knife and turned toward McVurdy when suddenly he heard clattering in the back of the store. The murderer said "I'll be back old man, I'll be back with The Emperor's justice, you're filth will not be allowed to roam this world anymore!" and he left. Just as the front door closed the rear one opened.

"My Gods!" came a woman's voice.  McVurdy didn't look up to see who it was, he was too numb to care, too shocked to react.  He stood, disconnectedly he noted the front of his clothes were soaked in blood. "McVurdy sir! What's happened?" She was tugging at his sleeve, he dully registered her as one of the neighborhood children that Shalae would feed and teach. She saw her then, laying on the floor and fell to her knees, crying.

McVurdy strode to the front of his store, staring at nothing in general, he anger swelled in him filled his being with fire. He was no warlock or conjurer, he was just an old man who made mirrors.  He'd been making mirrors since... How long he could not remember, but he had done it as long as he could remember and he was sure longer than that.  So what if the gods sometimes answered his prayers and made the mirrors something more?  That was not his doing!

Then it dawned on him, he had been living a simple and orderly life for far too long.  The Gods were punishing him for his lack of disorder.  Servants of chaos should never be so comfortable, so harmonious!  He had failed his God and was being punished!  He would continue to be punished until he threw his life and world into complete disarray, he must make a tribute!

McVurdy studied his face in the mirror, watching as his long dull eyes became clear and filled with determination. He stood taller and it seemed to him his wrinkles even receded and his muscles swelled.  He was angry, and that petulant fool would pay for his crime. He turned toward the back of the store, the little girl was staring at him with something between awe and terror, he ignored her and went to the back room. It took him a while to find what he was looking for, but find it he did.  Shalae had managed the finances for the store for the last several decades so she had been storing the coin in a large chest under the floor.  When he found the trapdoor he opened it and was not surprised at what he saw.  McVurdy had lived a long and modest life and mirrors sell well. By the measure of any other man he'd accrued a kingly wealth, but to him it didn't matter, it was the craft that motivated him.  Today he would spend money though, he grabbed a handful of coins and stormed out of the room.

He ran straight out to buy a sword and leather armor.  The shopkeeper asked no questions and gave him what he needed.  It was all the same to McVurdy, he just needed an instrument of death.  By the time the shop door was closed behind him McVurdy's vision was swimming with red.  He donned his new leather and strapped the sword to his side right there in the street.  Passersby gave him a wide berth and eyed him cautiously.  Once he was prepared he headed straight for the barracks where he knew many of the on duty guard would congregate while off duty.

Sure enough as he came around the corner he heard the raucous of laughter and drunkenness.  In McVurdy's heightened state he picked out the voice of his quarry.  It mattered not, they would all die tonight.

McVurdy kicked hard and the door fell away like paper before him, the guards all stopped in their revelry and looked up.  He spotted the murderer in the corner. "Boys, look what the fates have brought us!  It's the sorcerer mirror maker, get him!" and suddenly the men were all on their feet.  The walls echoed with the sound of swords unsheathing.  Some of the men stumbled, some wavered, but others were sober.  They all came towards McVurdy slowly with determination.  There were ten, and they didn't want a fight.  How did he know that?  He hadn't counted, and had he ever been in a fight, had he?  It did not matter, he felt no fear.

He glanced around the room and took it all in.  It was a simple dorm, one room, a table and some basic kitchen necessities at the back and the walls lined with bunks each jutting into the room.  Everything was old and abused.  He glanced at the walls, taking in hooks and armor strewn about and he saw two mirrors, both were fairly large and in another time and place may have seemed out of place, but there was only one mirror maker in town and McVurdy did not make small mirrors.  He took a breath shut his eyes and said a prayer to chaos readying himself for a fight.  When he opened his eyes again it was just in time to see one of the guards lunge at him.  McVurdy parried the attack and quickly swung around to the next sword. Swing, dodge, thrust, block, their swords clanged, he lost himself in the fight, minutes or hours passed, he wasn't sure.  First one guard went down, then another.  Sweat was starting to gather on his brow, he needed to take a breath, step back from the fight and gather himself, but there were still eight guards, and they weren't giving him a break.

"The old man fights well, but he tires easily!" one of the guards laughed.  McVurdy's vision was starting to blur, he couldn't tell which had spoken. Clang, steel met steel again, he shoved the swordsman aside then quickly finished him.  Three down.  He didn't have the stamina he once did.  When did he ever have this stamina? When had he learned to wield a blade?  A wave of confusion washed over him and he stumbled, suddenly there was pain in his side, then darkness.

His eyes popped open with a start.  He was surrounded by faces staring at him.  This all seemed familiar... Reality came crashing back around him, Shalae had been killed, he'd been in a fight, he quickly checked his side, but there was no sign of a wound.  Had he dreamt it?  He got up and walked to the front room.  Shalae's body had been removed but blood still stained the floor.  He looked at himself in a mirror, found he was still wearing his leather armor and a sword at his hip.  How had he gotten home?  How had the fight ended?

It did not matter he decided, checking a window he saw the world was covered in darkness, he had seen the mirrors in the guard's barracks, and he knew which they were.  One of the mirrors' had a partner here in his shop.  He walked towards his counter his eyes glanced over a finely piece of paper on his counter that hadn't been there before.  The edges bore gold and it was sealed with wax and a sigil he did not recognize.  He ignored the note and started digging through his piles, he knew exactly where it was, just beneath this pile, third one from the wall... and he had it.  He stared at it, looking past his reflection and smiled.

McVurdy drew his sword and stepped into the mirror.  He stepped into it as though it were a passageway, and in a sense it was. He did not know how it worked, he asked the God of Chaos to bless his mirrors, make them strong, and fill with luck.  He only wanted to prevent his client's needing to clean the mirrors, and save them from ever breaking, but sometimes something else happened.  They would link to each other and become passageways.  It wasn't a direct portal, one couldn't straddle the threshold, one was pulled in and spent a few moments in an in-between place.  The passage happened faster than the blink of an eye, but McVurdy had passed through enough mirrors that he was aware of it, if not familiar.

As quickly as it had begun it ended.  He was standing in the barracks of the guards, and as he had guessed the hour was late. Very late.  The fire in the hearth had burnt down, three of the remaining guards had passed out drunk at table, but the rest had found their way to bunks.  There was no discernable sign of his earlier fight.  No bodies on the floor, any blood stains blended into the floor with years of spilt bodily fluids and ale.  McVurdy crept through the dorm, approaching the bed nearest the mirror.  He examined the sleeping faces one by one and found his target.  The guard from his shop slept soundly.  He held his sword above the chest of the sleeping guard and hesitated.  What was he doing? This seemed such a dishonorable death, dirty and sly.  McVurdy shrugged, he was never an honorable man.

The sword came down with a crunch and a grunt.  The guards eyes and mouth popped open in shock then his face relaxed and his eyes dimmed.  McVurdy went to the next bed, again, he repeated this.  Three times he killed guards, one by one moving from bunk to bunk, but then, on the fourth guard his sword did not go cleanly through flesh as he'd hoped, but stopped with a loud clang.  The guards eyes popped open and a sword shot forward out of the bunk landing with a crash against McVurdy's sword as he deflected it at the last minute.   The guard swung out of the bunk to the side opposite McVurdy and cried out to the rest of the room "Oy, wake up!  We've got a visitor!"

Throughout the room came the clamor and commotion of guards suiting up.  Four guards remained, two seemed so inebriated they could barely hold a sword, the other two hopped from their beds ready to fight.  The guard McVurdy had awoke wore a toothy grin as he moved around the bed to corner him between the bunks his eyes suddenly widened and the grin vanished as he recognition dawned on him.  "You!  How are you here?  What is this witchcraft?" he shouted in surprise, the rest of the guards were congregating around the action with swords drawn, but still looking dazed and confused.  McVurdy surveyed his situation, he was stuck between two bunks each perpendicular to the wall and now he was trapped.  In this fight he would have a distinct disadvantage, there was no space to swing his sword and nowhere to run.  He might be able to fend off the guards for a little while but he would never get the range of motion he required here.  Hemust have let this show on his face because the guard's smug grin returned.

The guard lunged with his sword and McVurdy deflected it.  Suddenly he realized where he was, his circumnavigation of the bunks had placed him in front of the other mirror.  He recognized the mirror as his own work but did not recall to whom he'd sold it or its partner.  He did not know where this mirror led or if anywhere.  If its partner had been destroyed he might dive face first into a solid pane of glass, or he could enter the mirror and become stuck in the in-between place.  His opportunity was slipping away, with each swing and counter each time the guards took a step towards him McVurdy was being herded backwards, the mirror was just at the edge of his reach now.

McVurdy made up his and mind and dove.  He heard an abrupt cry of surprise before silence then he tumbled onto the floor.  He got up and looked around to see where he was.  He'd landed on fine carpets, he was in a large bed chamber with elaborate curtains drawn over the windows.  The walls were covered in tapestries, paintings, and shelves with gold and jeweled knickknacks. He would have appreciated the clutter, but it seemed to organized and purposeful for his taste.  His eyes stopped on the large bed in the center of the room.  There was a silk canopy draped around the posts.  He slowly approached the bed and as he got closer he heard the slow steady breath of sleep, his eyes began to adjust to the dim light.  As he approached the bed recognition dawned on McVurdy

This is The Emperor! McVurdy thought to himself.  A smile spread across his face in spite of himself.  He checked his sword, still covered in blood but sharp as ever.  He did not hesitate this time, the death of an emperor would bring unending chaos!  What a worthy tribute!  McVurdy's sword slid quickly and easily into its target, he took no chances and cut the emperor's throat clean through. It was done so quickly the man hadn't even woken, and now he never would.  He smiled to himself as he cleaned his blade on the soft bed sheets and returned to the mirror.

As he checked his armor and gathered himself, McVurdy carefully weighed his options.  The only thing he knew for sure was he had to leave here, and he would prefer to leave unnoticed, he could return through the mirror, but that could  put him back in the predicament he was in before.  The only advantage he had was the guards would likely not be expecting him to return, they in all likelihood would have gone searching for him.  He finally decided he would dive in head first and see what awaited him.

He rushed through the mirror running as fast as he could.  As he emerged from the other side he was greeted by a startled guard who reflexively jumped out of his way.  McVurdy took advantage of his dropped guard and ran him through with a sword as he charged into the middle of the room and swung around just in time to meet another blade with his own.  There was one other guard in the room, he could not see where the other two had gone.  McVurdy recognized them as the guards who had been unable to stand earlier, the one still standing had recovered some of his wits and was running at him with his sword out.  McVurdy had no patience for this, he danced with the guard, but quickly realized the man was still moving slowly as a consequence of drink.  In a few moments he'd slipped between the man's defenses and ended his life.

McVurdy turned to the first mirror and stepped through to his workshop.  He could see first light starting to appear in the window at the door, and as he watched he saw two figures walking towards his shop.  These would be the remaining guards from the barracks, McVurdy thought annoyed.  Would this night never end?  He stepped back from the window and to the counter, standing as though he were counting his earnings.  The lead guard heaved his weight against the door, the lock snapped easily and the door flew open.  They rampaged through the shop, knocking things over as they worked their way towards him.

"Sorcerous filth!" One of the guards called out as they came to the counter. "I'll bet-" McVurdy casually cut a rope tied to the counter.  It held up a large mirror on the ceiling just in front of him and with the rope cut the mirror came crashing down, large enough to slip over both of them it, slammed into the ground hard and fast and the guards were gone.  McVurdy walked over to the mirror with his hammer and chisel and hit it just on the seam so that the frame broke apart.  There was a low rumble and the mirror vibrated, then silence.  The mirror had been broken, no one would return through it.

McVurdy had just finished clearing the pieces of the mirror from the floor when he heard a sound at the doorway.  He turned towards the door to find a fat and lavishly dressed foreigner standing in the doorway.  The man stopped and inspected the damage to the frame and hinges then turned towards McVurdy.   Two squirrely assistants trailed after him holding bags and books.

"Good day." The rich man started as he entered the shop.  His eyes never met McVurdy and instead swung around the shop taking everything in, "Would you happen to be the proprietor of this fine establishment?" He asked.

McVurdy watched as the man ran his fingers through some dust on the counter, then waited for the man to make eye contact before he nodded affirmation.

"I left a note yesterday, I had hoped we could discuss purchase of your inventory?"  The man had resumed his inspection of the mirrors, pulling mirrors forward.  McVurdy just stared at him questioningly.  "I only mean that… I am looking to expand my businesses to this town and… You have quite the inventory here.  It would please me greatly to distribute your mirrors throughout the land and then perhaps use this space for a greater… variety of goods."

McVurdy nodded, this was great, now was a good time to move on anyways.  There was nothing left for him here.

"Great!" the merchant beamed, "You!" he pointed at one of his men, "Draw up the papers at once!"  The assistant began fumbling through papers and bags in a general panic.  The merchant turned back to McVurdy, "Did you hear?  The Emperor was assassinated last night, they say Juverians were responsible, just slipped in and out of the royal palace completely unnoticed!"  McVurdy tried to look shocked. "They say it will be all out war before the next turning of the moon!"  McVurdy nodded gravely but inside he smiled.  Yes, he had created chaos and now it was time to leave this place.

Mechanics and Tech Support

This has been bothering me for some time, there is this assumption people who work with computers for a living must be able to fix them...

Imagine for a moment you have a mechanical engineer friend named Bob. Bob works for a company designing the hydraulic car lifts used by auto mechanics. Bob's good at his job. He's a great engineer and knows everything there is to know about hydraulic lifts. His team develops and designs all sorts of lifts and he's been doing this a long time.

Would you go to Bob for advice when your car stops working? "Hey, Bob! My power steering pump went out, could you take a look?". Being a mechanical engineer I'd bet Bob would be able to pop the hood of your car, reverse engineer the entire steering mechanism and eventually determine what's wrong with your power steering and how to fix it. If this is his idea of a good time... Does this mean Bob is qualified to do this work for you? No, fixing this part requires a working knowledge of how all the pieces in this system fit together. You need experience with this make/model/year or a general understanding of how this design is intended to function. You need to know what commonly breaks under the weather conditions in your local area. You need to call a mechanic, this is what they do and this is what they're good at!

The same is true with software/computer engineers. Just because I know how to make computers do things and do it really well doesn't mean I have any clue whatsoever why your computer stopped turning on. I design and test software targeted at enabling developers to produce software applications for Android on their Windows/MAC PCs. This in no way qualifies me to help you root cause your runDLL error. I know plenty of computer engineers who can barely turn on their PCs but when they go home at night they have to stop at their in-laws and setup a new wireless router. This makes no sense to me, there is an entire industry of people who do this for a living, they're called "Tech Support".

This is a completely different field of Computer Science and requires intimate knowledge of commonly used software/hardware/makes/configurations. People do this for a living full-time and it can take years to get good at it. There are people who specialize in Windows, they've spent decades learning everything they can absorb about how it works and how to fix it. They'll never be done, there are literally millions of lines of code, which means billions of ways it can break. Did you know there is not a single person on the planet who can build a smartphone or laptop from scratch? These modern technological marvels are SO complex they require entire legions of people to maintain, develop and improve. Even the simplest components, for instance your WiFi radio: You might be able to pull 10 of the word's foremost leading experts into a room and between them understand generally how the thing works and how it's built.

(Image credit: http://xkcd.com/627/)

I've done what we suggested Bob do above, I've taken people's computers apart (software and hardware) and analyzed each moving piece, tested it and familiarized myself with it enough to deduce what was wrong. "Ah ha! This part shouldn't be doing that... I'm not sure what it's supposed to do, or who made it, or who should fix it, or what part to replace it with ... but I know this part is causing your problem!" It's not my idea of a good time, I would rather watch paint dry.

Anyways, my rather rambling point is that most of us software engineers are about as qualified to figure out your computer problem as Bob is to fix your power steering. There's not some magic knowledge, or secret club that grants us unlimited access to all things that can go wrong. Just a tried and true method for resolving the issue and you'd be surprised how effectively you can help yourself.

Not-An-Ad: Free home phone with unlimited minutes

I know it sounds too good to be true, and honestly, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I'd be right there with you.  I'd love to give you all the background: My hair pulling and screaming as I try to find a way to get VoIP working in my home for my kids to use when we're not around (they don't have phones yet), but I don't think you care.  So here's the magic:

1. Google Voice Number
Get a Google Voice number.  If you have a Google account, go to google.com/voice and set it up.  It's free, and this is a VoIP line with unlimited calling to US/Canada

2. Obihai's ObiTalk
Go get a device at www.obihai.com.  They have a great product comparison chart, but seriously, you probably just need the ObiTalk 100 ($39).  This one allows you to connect one phone to 2 VoIP services, which is (probably) all you need...

3. Dect 6.0 Wireless Phone
This is a new and amazing technology, I'm millennial and a cable cutter.  I've not had a land line in many years, my wife and I have used cell phones exclusively for more than a decade.  So this new approach to cordless phones caught me off guard: 1 base and as many as 5 phones attached to it that don't need plugged into the phone jack.  You'll need this since the ObiTalk only has one phone jack on it.

4. Anveo E911 Service (Optional and not free)
This part isn't free, and I'd wait until you get the Obihai to set it up, but basically you're paying another service (Anveo) for E911 service.  Once you connect the Obihai to your Google Voice account it'll warn you repeatedly that you can't make E911 calls, and as soon as you've finished acknowledging this repatedly it'll offer to forward you to their partner and pay $15/year for 5 E911 calls (more than 5 calls will reset your subscription and require you to renew early).


Many people out here on the web have probably already seen this and think I'm ridiculous for getting excited, but hey, there it is.

The Cat

Saturday morning,

I woke up and started getting ready for the day.  When I let the dogs out (step 1) I immediately noticed someone was barking but since I didn't recognize the bark I figured it wasn't mine. This is pretty normal, our new house is surrounded by dogs and someone is always barking at someone. I dismissed it because I didn't recognize the bark and figured there was nothing I could do.  After about twenty minutes of this persistent nagging bark I caved and went outside to see what was going on.

I'm quickly greeted by smiling Lucy and spot Thaleia (our Siberian Husky) on the side of the house fixated on the fence. Understand this is highly unusual, Thaleia is a Husky so she speaks all the time but she doesn't bark. Ever.  A Husky's speaking could probably be best described as a rolling series of vowels and the letter "R".  It doesn't have any abrupt points and rolls over you sleepily like a blanket made of gravel.  This was something I've never heard her do before.  The harsh and abrupt barks you might associate with an overly protective dog barking at the mailman.  Clean and crisp, and to the point.

I started working my way into the blackberries that had overrun this corner of the yard. About halfway back I notice these little amber eyes staring at me from deep inside a black ball of fur. A cat had gotten itself cornered and trapped between the house, blackberries and the dog.  I turned around and took the dogs inside. My plan was to give her some dog-free-time and let her figure it out.  Cats may not be smart, but she got into my yard, she had better be able to get out.

About twenty minutes later we had finished getting ready for a group meal and I needed to put the dogs out in the yard again. Concerned about the sanity of the cat and the physical well-being of my idiot dog I went to verify she had vacated our yard before releasing them. Naturally this drove them nuts. "You're going outside without me? But the cat is out there! I wanna go too!"

She hadn't left. She was still there, buried in blackberries, growling.

With an exasperated sigh I retrieved my work gloves and clippers intent on setting the cat free from her thorny prison and I got to work.

As I got closer she would growl louder and tense up, I would speak soothingly and take my time clipping overhead brambles. Eventually she a would calm and I'd creep closer and we'd begin the our slow, thorny waltz of mistrust anew.

After twenty minutes of this I'm looking down at a very angry kitty amidst as pile of thorns and ivy. Concerned she may be caught on the branches she's laying on I clip them close to her and step back. She looked up at me with those big amber eyes as if to say "don't you dare touch me filthy clod!"

I reach down with my gloved hands and gently pet her head to which she immediately melts. I calmly grab her and place my other hand under her feet and briskly begin working my way to the gate on the other side of the yard. As I get closer I realize the gate is locked from the outside. I stop on the patio to consider my options. Not knowing anything about the age and health of this cat I'm reluctant to just to toss her over the fence. My wife doesn't know which key opens the gate and I don't want to risk the cats patience waiting long enough for her to try each one in turn because I guarantee she will try all the wrong ones first.  Which leaves racing through the house. This seemed like a good idea at the time: My wife would go inside and rally the dogs and I would make the calm dash ten yards to the door.

It's worth taking a moment to note that at this point the cat and I have an understanding, a delicate truce that stipulates if I free the cat from my yard with no more canine interactions no harm will come to me and mine. The dogs of course were not aware of this agreement nor did they care for it and they desperately wanted to be involved in whatever I was doing.

The door opened and they raced out onto they patio. Straight at me.  The cat glared at me and began growling once more.  I begun to spin around in circles softly kicking my feet out at the dogs to keep them back and shushing their excitement.

Then Thaleia got in front of me and reared up on her back feet.  In a low stern voice I scolded her and told her to get back.  That was over the line. My calm admonishment of the dog was enough to breach the terms of our tentative truce. The cat hissed and spit then wrenched around at an angle I'd forgotten cats could achieve. With one last yowl the cat reached out and slapped me in the chin. I tightened my grip and stretched my arms out as far in front of me as I could.  I ducked down committed to completing this task and ran through the house, everything a blur of growls and hisses.  I counted my blessings that my work gloves were still on as the cat battered ferociously at her bindings

I found my way to the door and through it.  Out to the patio then I heaved the cat out and away from myself into the yard.  She tumbled through the air and flicked her tail at my clumsy expulsion.  With one more growl and hiss the cat was gone.  She ran down the street and didn't look back.  I couldn't say I missed her at that moment.

I turned around to see my wife and daughter standing in the doorway.  "But what if the kitty doesn't have a home?" My daughter asked innocently.

I looked at my wife in exasperation.  "Honey, did the cat get you?" she asked looking at me quizzically.  I removed one of my gloves and placed my hand to my chin.  When it came away it was warm and sticky with red blood.  Immediately images of a massive wound ranging from my lip to the tip of my chin sprung to my mind.  I finished my morning with thoughts racing with concern about contagions being introduced to my body and foul substances the cat left in my flesh with her vicious and unwarranted assault.